Glad there was no Internet

But once more, I digress. Without going into too much detail - here. I do remember that my involvement in pornography - when I looked like the image (removed) - was a time of deep shame, physical and emotional pain and humiliation - and one that I felt I deserved. Now I look back on it and forgive those broken enough to use and record me in those situations. Obviously, in some way they were as broken as I was. I repeat, that I am glad there was no internet. I am sure that the Lord will have erased all recordings and negatives from that time.

Many years later, my first Christian mentor and incidentally my long time girlfriend’s mother - was praying for me. As she laid hands on me, she was a bit embarrassed to pray for that aspect of my life. Now, I thank God that she knew God and no matter how shocked she was I felt no judgement from her.

As she prayed for me - I could only see that partner’s face - his eyes were black. I felt like a mechanical puppet with all my circuits stripped and been drawn agonisingly forth. I don’t really know how to explain it. Imagine pulling all the stringy strands out of a piece of celery.

In advocating for him, I ask you not to judge him. For his part, when but a child he walked into his bathroom and found his mother hanging and covered in the blood of one slit wrist. You see what I mean? He was just as broken as I was and I can attach no blame to him.

By the end of the prayer, I had collapsed in a heap on the floor, feeling as though strands of myself had been removed. While discoursing with the Lord, she had ‘seen’ an entire black and nervelike network all through my earthsuit and watched the Lord remove them as she prayed.